JongKey - Ease The Guilt

They say that twins share a special bond. Kibum is on good terms with his twin brother, Jinki, but they have never been close and never felt that special bond. Their interests, hobbies and personalities had always been different.

When Taemin was born, Kibum and Jinki finally had something in common. They both liked having a baby brother.  As a result, the three of them spent a lot of time together and Kibum started to think that his special bond with Jinki was starting to form.

Well, Kibum thought wrong. When Taemin wasn't around, Kibum could feel the distance between Jinki and himself even if they were on good terms, being friendly, speaking to each other and having their rooms right next to each other.

Kibum tried not to think too much about it.  Not all twins in the world could actually be close and share a special bond.  Come high school, he found someone else special anyway.  Someone named Chansung.

When Kibum finally knew what it felt like to be in love, he started to notice how Jinki treats their younger brother.  He knew for a fact that Jinki loved Taemin more than his own twin but the love that Jinki had for Taemin... was it really just brotherly love?

Days turned into months until Kibum was finally sure of Jinki's feelings for Taemin.  He didn't talk to Jinki about it because he was afraid that things between them would get pretty messed up, so what Kibum did instead was to encourage both Taemin and Jinki to get themselves a boyfriend.

"Isn't Taemin too young?"  Jinki protested.

But Kibum knew that Jinki's real protest was not because of Taemin's age.  It was because Jinki was in love with Taemin.  "Taemin isn't a kid anymore, Jinki.  You know that."

It didn't take Taemin too long to find himself a boyfriend in a form of Minho.  Kibum could see that Jinki wasn't happy about this and how Jinki tried to hide his own unhappiness from Taemin, because it's Taemin's happiness that mattered to Jinki.

~*~*~* SKIP~*~*~*~*

The death of Taemin and Jinki was the turning point of Kibum's life.  After a month of grieving, he packed up and left everything behind.  He moved to another part in Korea; somewhere far away from his original home.  He never told anyone where he would be.

But he did leave a letter for Chansung.  It was the least he could do.

I think the only way I can move on is to leave everything behind.  I know I will come back.  I just don't know when.  But when I do come back, I hope we can at least go back to being friends.  I love you.  Goodbye.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Kibum took psychology.  He may not have an answer to people's problems but at least, he will be there to listen.  Sometimes all a person would need is a listener.  Just someone who they could talk to their problems to lessen the burden.  He should have been that person for Jinki.

It's too late for regrets.  It won't bring either Jinki or Taemin back to life so the least Kibum could do is help other people.  Then comes a person who has a similar situation to Jinki.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I'm in love with my brother,"  Jonghyun waited for the doctor to laugh at him.  Okay, so maybe the doctor won't laugh since it's part of their job but still, he waited for any kind of reaction from the doctor.  "Aren't you going to ask why?"  Jonghyun asked when he didn't get any reaction or any question from the doctor.

"I figured you were going to tell me even if i didn't ask.  After all, that's the reason why you're here, right?"  The doctor has a teasing smile on his lips.

Jonghyun pouted since the doctor actually has a point.  "Well, he's older than me but pretty even prettier than most girls I know.  At first, I thought it was just physical attraction.  It'll probably go away with time but I thought wrong.  It has been 6 years and my feelings for him just got stronger every time.  Does this thing disgusts you, doc? Not only am I gay but I'm also in love with my brother."

Kibum wondered if this was how his twin felt.  "If I say that I'm not disgusted by it, you'll probably just think that I'm saying that because it's a part of my job but... I really am not disgusted by it.  Have you told anyone about your feelings?"

Jonghyun shook his head from side to side.  "Just you, doc."

"Key."

"Huh?"

"Call me, Key, and think of me as your friend."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jonghyun doesn't come to the office that often but he does keep contact with Kibum via cellphone. It had became a routine for Jonghyun to call Kibum at night.  Kibum sometimes felt annoyed when one of his clients would call him, but it is a part of his job and if it's Jonghyun, he'll never get annoyed because Jonghyun is his bias.

Kibum found out that Jonghyun's beloved brother actually has a boyfriend.  The situation was really too similar with his past and he was tempted to talk about it but he never did because this was all about Jonghyun and not him.

Kibum likes it when they talk about other stuff that does not involve Jonghyun's brother.  He got to know about Jonghyun's other friends and his love for music.  He even got to hear Jonghyun sing a song that was just recently composed.  Once again, Kibum is reminded of Jinki.  Although Jinki doesn't love music or singing as much as Jonghyun does, his twin did possess a beautiful voice.

After 3 weeks of their night conversations, "You never told me anything about yourself.  I want to know more about you too... if that's okay..."  There was a hint of hesitation in Jonghyun's voice.

"What would you like to know about me?"

"Like... your interests perhaps?"

"Dancing to girl group songs."

"Seriously?!?!"

Indeed that was the start of their real friendship.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

From night conversations via cellphones, they progressed to nights out.  Sometimes they have dinner together but usually, they see each other after dinner.  Sometimes they sit down and talk at the chairs outside the convenience store or on the park benches.  Sometimes they just walk letting their feet carry them to wherever.

"My brother got himself a boyfriend today.  I've always thought he was straight.  But it still remains a fact that I'm his brother and that's never going to change."  Jonghyun sighed.  "You know... I'm glad I met you."

Kibum felt there was something off.  He had a strong intuition that something bad might happen... like before Jinki and Taemin deaths occured.  "And why are you glad that you've met me?"

"Because you really turned out to be a  good friend who can keep secrets."  Jonghyun smiled.

"Jonghyun... are you thinking of suicide?"

Jonghyun's eyes widened. "Why would you think that I would think of that?!?!"

Kibum placed his hands on Jonghyun's shoulders.  "Jonghyun, no matter how much hurt you are from this onesided love and no matter how jealous and angry you are towards whoever your brother is having a relationship with, please don't ever kill anyone, not your brother and especially not yourself.  Got that?!?!"

Jonghyun avoided Kibum's gaze and hung his head low.  "How did you know that I was thinking of that?"

"I thought you were coping up well but I guess I'm not doing a good as a psychologist."  Kibum said with a tone of disappointment.

"No, Key. You're good.  I just..."

"If I was doing a good job, you wouldn't be thinking of any suicial and homicidal thoughts right now."  Kibum pointed out.  "But you know that, I can't be with you 24/7.  If you really want to commit suicide or homicide or both, I wouldn't be there to stop you even if I wanted to."

"Do you always deal with suicidal or homicidal patients?"  Jonghyun found himself able to lift his head again and get a good eye contact with Kibum.

"No, not always and when my patient starts having these kind of thoughts, I usually refer them to another psychologist who is much better in handling those type of cases."

"Then are you going to refer me to someone else?"

"No."  Was Key's firm answer.  "I like what we have right now.  I'm happy being with you but I know all of these end though I'm not sure how it will end.  If it's going to end with you commiting suicide or simply alive but not needing me anymore."

"Key... you... don't tell me you developed some feelings for me?!?!"

"It's nothing romantic, Jonghyun. It's just... you remind me of my twin and because of that, you're special to me."

"You have a twin?" It was the first time Jonghyun heard about this.  Heck, it was the first time Jonghyun heard about Kibum talking about his family.

"I haven't seen him for around 7 years.  Will you come with me to see him?"

Jonghyun found himself nodding and agreeing to go with Kibum.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was going to be a long trip.  Kibum was nervous because he hadn't been to his hometown for years but the sight of Jonghyun sleeping right beside him, calmed Kibum down a bit.  He guided Jonghyun's head to lean on his shoulder.

When Jonghyun woke up, he also found Kibum sleeping peacefully but because his head moved slightly to look at Kibum, this had made Kibum wake up from his sleep.  "Ah, sorry for disturbing your sleep."  Jonghyun apologized.

"It's okay.  I got enough rest."  Kibum stretched his arms and legs before getting a mirror to check on his face.  He tensed when he saw on the mirror and felt Jonghyun's finger on the side of his lips.  When Jonghyun removed his finger, Kibum looked at him with a questioning gaze.

"You had drool."  Jonghyun shrugged and looked away.

Kibum was looking on the mirror before Jonghyun's touched him so he was pretty sure he didn't have any drool.  He wondered what prompted Jonghyun to do that action.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Chansung!" Kibum exclaimed in surprise.  He and Jonghyun were about to get in the taxi when he saw Chansung getting out from the taxi in front of them.

"Kibum?" Chansung looked at him in shock.

"Chansung, dear.  Who is he?"  A girl appeared beside Chansung.

"An old friend who I haven't seen for a long time.  Can you go first? I'll just talk to him for a few minutes.  I promise I won't miss our ride."  Chansung said to the girl.

"Okay."  The girl kissed Chansung's cheek before turning to Kibum with a smile.  "Nice meeting you.  I hope you can attend to our wedding."  She said before walking away.

After hearing that from the girl, Kibum noticed that Chansung was wearing an engagement ring.  "So you're getting married huh?"

"Kibum... I tried to wait for you..."

"It's okay, Chansung.  I also found someone."  Kibum grabbed Jonghyun's hand and pulled Jonghyun to stand beside him.

Kibum could see an expression of relief on Chansung's face and tone of voice.  "That's good, then.  Hey, you're both invited to the wedding and we should definitely catch up sometime, Kibum.  Give me your contact number."

"Do you still have any contact with Changmin and Minho?"  Kibum asked after they exchanged contact numbers.

"Changmin decided to live where you used to live.  Minho became a missionary priest.  He is often out of the country but he always does make sure to contact Changmin if he comes back so if you want to know if he's here, it's better to ask Changmin."

Kibum was surprised at Minho's choice.  "Okay, thanks.  It was nice seeing you again, Chansung and I'll definitely attend your wedding.  Advance congratulations."

"Thanks, Kibum.  Just so you know, you're still special to me."  Chansung gave Kibum a brief hug before going on his way.

Kibum cried when he and Jonghyun were safe inside the taxi.  Jonghyun didn't ask questions.  He just hugged Kibum comfortingly.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jonghyun thought they would go to Kibum's house but they ended up in the cemetery stading in front of two gravestone.

"Jonghyun, this is Jinki, my twin and the other one is Taemin, my younger brother."

Jonghyun was shock.  Kibum never told him about them being dead.

"Jinki.  Taemin.  This is my patient and also a friend, Jonghyun.  He is having the same problems as Jinki."  Kibum turned his attention back to Jonghyun.  "My twin fell in love with our younger brother, who already has a boyfriend.  One day, he just snapped and ended up killing Taemin and himself.  I don't want you to be like Jinki."

"Key, I was only thinking of suicide.  I never thought of killing my brother or his current boyfriend."

"Because you think death will be the one thing that will end your misery? Maybe it is but it will be another guilt trip for me and think about others who will be sad of your death too.  I will cry a river on your death, Jonghyun." Tears started to fall from Kibum's eyes again.

"Key..."  Jonghyun ended up hugging Kibum, rubbing his back comfortingly again.  "I'm not going to do it so don't cry anymore."

"Are you only saying that to stop me from crying?"

"No.  Since when have I ever lied to  you?"

"Never."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Hey, Kibum! Long time! You look terrible!"  Changmin commented after seeing Kibum's red, puffy eyes.

"He cried a lot in the cemetery."  Jonghyun explained.

"I see."  Changmin replied in understanding.  "And you might you be? Kibum's boyfriend?"

Kibum was going to say no but Jonghyun beat him to it and said "Yes."  While Changmin busied himself making tea in the kitchen leaving the two alone in the living room, Jonghyun explained.  "You introduced me as your boyfriend to Chansung earlier so it'll only make sense that we would tell Changmin that I'm your boyfriend.  I'm assuming we're all going to be attending the wedding after all."

"Since you're talking about attending the wedding, I guess you're serious about not commiting suicide anymore."  Kibum pointed out.

"Well, I'll probably have suicidal thoughts every now and then but I'll remember your crying face and won't do it."  Jonghyun placed a hand on Kibum's cheek.  His thumb brushing on Kibum's soft cheek.  "Though your crying face is adorable, your smile is beautiful."

"Sorry to disturb you two lovebirds but tea is served."  Changmin made his appearance.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"How was your trip with your friend?"  Jonghyun's brother asked.

"I don't remember going on a trip with a friend."  Upon the confuse expression on his brother's face, Jonghyun explained further.  "I went with my boyfriend to his hometown."

"So you finally got yourself a boyfriend! That's great! When are you going to introduce him to me?"

Jonghyun could see the expression of relief and happiness on his brother's face.  It reminded him of how Chansung looked like.  "Soon."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I told my brother I went on a trip with my boyfriend."

Kibum was surprised.  "Aren't you liking the role of being my boyfriend too much?"

"Yeah."  Kibum was surprised again with Jonghyun's answer.  "I'm liking it too much.  Since our trip, I've started to think less of my brother and think more of you though you probably only like me like your twin since I remind you of him."

After Jonghyun said that, Kibum realized something.  He had loved Jinki all along.  That doesn't make his love for Chansung back then any less real.  Just that he had probably been in denial of his love for his twin and when he met Chansung, he fell in love as he buried his feelings for Jinki but some of those feelings come to the surface whenever he saw Jinki being lovesick of Taemin which is why he set Minho up with Taemin.

"I love my twin."  Kibum admitted for the first time.  "I guess I was just in denial all along.  I wonder what could have happened if I confessed to him or if I had at least confront his feelings for Taemin.  If only we had a proper conversation, he and Taemin might have been still alive."

"And you might have been dead then I wouldn't have met you then I would have committed suicide.  Key, it's time to stop blaming yourself.  I'm here and alive and I'm sure you've helped others too.  You're a good doctor, Key.  If you didn't have your past experience, you wouldn't be here right now."  Jonghyun held Kibum's face in his hands.  "Do you understand?"

"You truly are a blessing, Jonghyun."

"And you're an angel, Key."

The future looked brighter with every kiss they shared.

THE END